The Silent Sorrow

A friend of mine posted this sweet status about the reaction of her tiny unborn child’s reaction to playing different music to her tummy. So many people read and commented how sweet and “liked” her post. As I read through her post I inwardly cried out, “why is this not me?”

Over a year and a half ago my husband and I decided that after careful planning of our first few years of marriage that we felt that we where ready to add the responsibility of starting a family. We have a nice apartment, and great jobs, it was that time of life when you really feel ready to start a family! There was such happiness and joy that filled my heart and the thought of starting a family with a cute little half me and half the man I love!

Only it was not quite like that, the first month we tried it was so exciting, what where the chances of getting pregnant our first time? But you still hope! The first month turned into a few months, and you start thinking in the back of our head… maybe we are doing something wrong…. so you start asking around. Every mom has there own wonderful story of how she became a mom, you soak up the story’s and gain little bits of wisdom, and think, Maybe that will happen to me!

Its a long journey for that cute little man juice to squirm through to find my cute little hitching eggs. After all, some people said it took them 9 months or more!  It really is only after that first year that one should really worry, right?

The months of hoping turned into a two week roller coaster of two weeks of hoping and two weeks of sadness.

Then it came… the 12th month… surely this was it! 12 months turned into 13, then 14, and your two weeks of hope and and two weeks of sadness turns into a horrible emotional roller coaster of, maybe, maybe this is my month, two weeks, of deepening, heart wrenching pain that few can relate.

Paging through your facebook page can put you to tears as you read and see your friends and family so happy with there new child or the announcement of an addition to their family. Why was it not me? what did we do wrong? Why does God not bless our marriage with an addition to our family. Out shopping can be painful as you walk by the baby aisle and see all the adorable baby things crying out to you, reminding you of your very empty tummy.

All I want to scream is “PLEASE STOP!!!” Living, breathing, walking through this life has a sorrow that deepens every day.

The smile that shines from my face as you talk about how cute your child is or, how your pregnancy is going, or when you show me you favorite photo of your adorable child, I really am happy for you, but that smile hides a sorrow that you do not see, or even understand. Its the silent sorrow that lays in the deepest parts of my infertile body.

my silent sorrow screams in my ears….. how do you silence the silent sorrow?


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